Daylight Stupid Time means we're all sheep

Daylight Savings Time (DST) is bullshit. The whole concept just pisses me off. Time is one of things that we are taught is constant; you can't freeze it even if you want to. In that respect the saying holds true, but that's about it. However, it's not very constant when we can push it ahead or back an hour at whim.

The thing that really pisses me off about DST is that it promotes the idea that as individuals we can't just say, "no, I'm not gonna do it that way. This is how it's gonna be," but as a society we can. Not only that, but you don't have a choice. Everyone else says we're doing it, so you're doing it too. Deal with it. Jesus, I hope everyone else doesn't start eating wolf testicles twice a year; I really don't want to do that.

Stop fucking with things. Just leave it alone. How was this even decided on? I doubt it was voted on. Some assholes just said, "this is a good idea. Here's why. Trust us," and everyone else just went along with it. Bullshit. Sheep. What about me? What if I don't agree with the practice? Oh that's right, nobody cares what I agree with. News flash: a shit ton of people think it is stupid and the 'benefits' aren't worth it.

The reasons for DST are purely economical; don't let them tell you otherwise. The more daylight we have, the more shopping we'll do because even though the clock says it's late we see the sun and feel like we have more time. We spend more money. And this crap about using less energy is just stupid. And for the love of Me, don't believe the garbage you hear about it being for the farmers. They actually think that the practice is disruptive. So there. Leave the clocks alone. I'm tired of this shit. We shouldn't be forced to do stupid things like this, but again we have no choice. Thanks, society, for once again proving that you're stupid and you'll do whatever you're told because you're all a bunch of submissive tools and giving me no choice but to submit with your silly asses.

Forever rebelling,

- The Absurdist

A free iPad?! Yes, please!

I recently did a small social experiment on Facebook involving my "friends." I knew what the outcome would be, but I wanted to prove if, if to nobody but myself. I know that the people I know are ignorant and selfish, but proving it made me chuckle more than a little.

You see, I post a lot of current news on Twitter and Facebook: the war in Syria, the uprising in the Ukraine, gun violence in America, etc. The thing is, nobody seems to give a shit, let alone two. Who knows if they even read my whole tweet or status update. I'd bet they don't open the links I post even with headlines telling of tens of thousands of people being murdered and tortured. Those tweets and status updates don't get retweeted, liked or commented on. Nothing. Silence. You know what does get a lot of response? A free iPad. That's right, a fucking tablet.

I went on Facebook and posted "who wants a free iPad?" Sure as shit, within hours I had more private messages, comments and likes than I had in weeks on any of the IMPORTANT things I had said. My "friends" were eager to jump on that offer like it was a steak and they hadn't eaten in days. On the one hand it was satisfying to be right yet again, but on the other hand it made me more sad than I had anticipated. Sure, I was right, but I guess there was a little piece of me hoping that I would be surprised for once. I've always hoped for more from people and I'm constantly disappointed by them.

The moral of the story? Fuck the people being slaughtered in Syria. Fuck the uprising and increasing violence in the Ukraine. Fuck Russia threatening to step in against people they would crush. Fuck the increasing tensions in Venezuela. Fuck homosexuality being illegal in supposedly civilized countries. Fuck civil rights violations across the globe. Where are the iPads? Can I get one? Where? Wait, it's free?! Where is it?! TELL ME! I NEED TO KNOW!!!

Your moral superior,

- The Absurdist

Fuck-It Friday: I HATE SOUP!

Soup. Fucking soup. God, do I hate it. It's one of those foods that just really irks me; probably in the top three. It's really upsetting and when people tell me that they love soup all I hear is, "I love stupid."

My biggest problem with soup is that it's evasive. When I'm trying to fill my big ol' belly, I don't want to have to work that hard for it. If I did, I'd go hunting. Do you see me running madly at a beast in the wild covered in mud, my eyes wild, a knife in hand? No, you don't because that's bullshit. I go grocery shopping (and still look that way).

I don't like dipping my spoon into the bowl only to bring it back up with nothing on it because everything that was once on it slid off on the upswing. Fuck that. And if I want that piece of chicken (one of four in the whole goddamn can), I don't want to have to chase it around the bowl. Get on my spoon and don't give me any grief! It wouldn't even be a problem if there wasn't a billion cups of broth for every one cup of food. Bastards. I can just see them chuckling in a darkly lit room overlooking their stupid soup factory.

"Let's fill the can with broth, Teddy. Then, we can just put in a scoop of food and save money."

"Like the chip bags?"

"Yeah, Teddy. That's exactly what I mean."

You sons of bitches. Dirty rotten scoundrels. I'm not gonna eat your evasive soup. I refuse to be ripped off by some jolly bastard named Teddy in a tuxedo and top hat twirling his mustache and conspiring against the innocent hungry people of the world. Why the hell is he wearing that in a soup factory anyways? It'll get dirty. Unless he covers himself in a thick layer of broth, in which case all of the dirt and dust will just slide off of him like my fucking noodles and chicken slide off of my spoon. I hate Teddy. I hate his soup. Don't ever talk to me about soup. I have PTSD over it.

With a grumbling stomach,

- The Absurdist

The Pop-Tart bill is real and it's not what you think

          Who doesn't like a sugary pastry every now and again? It's breakfast on the go and you can even toast it! That's not all though; you can also... *pause for dramatic effect*... chew it into the shape of a gun! Dun dun duuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn.

          Apparently, that very thing happened in a Maryland school. A student chewed his delicious treat (no word on which kind, dammit!) into the shape of a pistol and ended up being suspended. Now, surely it doesn't need said that this is all because of zero-tolerance policies that have been increasing across the country in the wake of a growing number of school shootings each year (but look, I said it anyways!). Listen kids, zero-tolerance means ZERO. No, you can't chew your breakfast pastry into the shape of a pistol. That's too threatening.

          What in the sweet soaring cosmos is the problem with chewing your food into shapes, be they weapons or animals? Does that really cause a concern? I don't think that it is indicative of violent tendencies. It's FOOD. If I chewed my pancakes into the shape of dicks is that a problem? What about a stick of dynamite? How about if I make my omelet look like a vicious pit bull?

          Couldn't this kid have just received a stern talking to? Something along the lines of, "listen kiddo, that's not okay." Even though I don't see what the problem is with it, they're entitled to take some sort of action. By show of hands, who thinks that going straight to a suspension is the right action on their part? Put your hand down, old lady. Nobody invited you to this party. Right, now that the old bat is gone we can all agree that this is absurd. Spoiler alert: We're not the only ones. Legislators in many states are arguing that zero-tolerance policies are a bit overboard and unforgiving, so they're trying to loosen the leash a bit, if you will.

          Florida is one of those states. I guess they want to make up for that business with Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman. A Republican by the name of Dennis Baxley has introduced what he calls the Pop-Tart bill, which is designed to bar overreactions under zero-tolerance policies that aim to keep weapons out of public schools. Sure enough, he's not the only one who took incidents like the Maryland one seriously because the bill cleared a state House panel recently. I'll tell you what, if this bill makes it into law I may just have to move down to sunny Florida. Ah, the smell of sweet Pop-Tart freedom! I may even go so far as to start liking oranges (I'm a fan of the juice, not the fruit).

          What the hell is happening to this country? I've said it before and I'll say it again: this country is just too goddamn sensitive. I'm not arguing that school shootings are devastating. I'm not arguing that something should be done about that. I AM arguing that our oversensitivity and fear creates a whole shitty mess to deal with. This is a prime example. As a result of increased school violence (is it even increased though), zero-tolerance policies have been put in place. As a result of those policies, a child with a breakfast pastry was suspended. As a result of that, and many other instances like it, legislators are taking time to create bills to deal with the issue of overbearing zero-tolerance policies. The bills need voted on. Panels are used. If the bill is made into law policies will need changed. That'll probably require research, training and shit like that. All over some things like a kid chewing their Pop-Tart into the shape of a pistol or building a model of a gun using Legos.

          Get the fuck over it, people. Do something about the mental health of children. Parent your goddamn children. Lock up your weapons so they can't use them to kill people. Do LOGICAL things to deter violence, not stupid things. Towels can only cover a mess; they don't make it disappear unless you're willing to use a little elbow grease to clean it up.

Boom goes the dynamite,

- The Absurdist

Number of Homeless Iraq/Afghanistan Vets Tripled in 3 Years

          In the United States we talk a big game about supporting the men and women who serve in the military. Some of us show them a lot of respect and some of us not enough. I don't know how I feel about veterans. While I have immense respect and admiration for what they've gone through, without know why they did it I cannot accurately pass judgment. Maybe they did it for a love of their country and fellow man. Maybe they did it because they didn't see any better options out there. Regardless, I'm not judging. I am, however, judging those of us who claim to admire and appreciate them, but don't do anything about their present situation.

          I recently read an article in USA Today by Gregg Zoroya titled 'Up to 48,000 Aghan, Iraq Vets Homeless.' That's right, homeless. In the article, Zoroya reported that in 2013 nearly 48,000 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans we either homeless or enrolled in a federal program trying to keep them off of the streets. That figure is more than three times what it was in 2011.

          Now, in all fairness that sounds worse than it really is. The number of homeless veterans has been on the decline according o the Department of Veterans Affairs. What they've done is expanded efforts to identify and assist homeless veterans throughout all fifty states. That means more reports of homeless veterans, not more homeless veterans. Regardless, I'd say that 48,000 men and women who served in the two big wars of my lifetime being homeless is an unacceptable travesty. I'm not saying that because they are veterans they are more important, just that given what they've sacrificed for this nation we cannot ignore their struggles.

          The Department of Veterans Affairs has been doing all that they can to help homeless veterans and just locked in funding of $600 million for 2014-15. That money goes towards helping veterans keep their homes and their efforts include mediating with property owners, assisting with rent and utilities, moving expenses, child are, transportation, etc. I'd say they're holding up their end of the bargain as best they can.

          When you look at some of the other amounts that the federal government spends on bullshit programs and studies, you'll find that a lot of it could easily be shifted toward a more important and valuable program such as taking care of the men and women who have taken care of us. I'm not telling you this to make you go find a homeless veteran and give them a place to live and food to eat. I'm telling you this simply because it is our duty to at least be aware of the struggles that they continue to endure even after their time has been served. While we may not know what they went through overseas, we can sure as hell know what they're going through here and to ignore that is to spit in the face of all that they've done for us.

Here's hoping you give a damn,

-The Absurdist

Fuck It Friday: Exorcisms Now Available Via Skype!!!

You know, I've been saying for years that religion makes people crazy. Some religious nuts love everyone and some hate everyone. There's no shortage of priests having tickle time with children and apparently Jesus still loves them. I'm not even going to start ranting about religion. That will be a topic for another Fuck It Friday. This one pertains to religion, but is rather specific.

There is a Reverend in Scottsdale, Arizona by the name of Bob Larson (Bob the Reverend? That alone makes me chuckle) who specializes in exorcisms. Yep, ridding people of demonic possessions and all that good shit. I still say the best way to exorcise a demon is to tape headphones over the ears of the possessed and blast Justin Bieber, but they don't ask for my opinion. I didn't go to Reverend school. Anyways, the good Reverend Bob decided that he's going to put a new spin on the exorcism business. I suppose it's his right seeing as he claims to have performed more than 20,000 'old fashioned' exorcisms over the past four decades. Jesus, he's been exorcising for forty years. I can't even get off the couch and exercise for forty minutes.

Bobby has decided to embrace the technological age and is now offering to perform exorcisms via Skype. Yes, Skype; that lovely service we use to chat with friends in other states or countries and family members that we miss dearly. Sweet Bob is going to use that beloved service to rid some kind folks of their demons, literally. Me thinks Bob is getting too much sun over there in Arizona.

Here's the skinny: for the completely reasonable and affordable fee of $295 you can have your very own sixty minute exorcism. And to sweeten the pot a little (as if banishing your demons isn't enough), that money is considered a tax-deductible donation to the International Missions Program! I don't know about you, but I'm pulling out my credit card as we speak!

Head on over to Bob's website to find out more about this exceptional individual! He's got tons of stuff for sale, a link to his School of Exorcism and a DEMON TEST! That last part is my favorite. Of course, everything has a price tag on it (naturally), so I didn't look too much into it. However, I did check out Bob's YouTube page. That was more fun than I could have hoped. I especially liked when he exorcised a gay demon from this lovely older gentleman. Ah, the power of Christ compelled him indeed.

Bob inspired me to start my own service in conjunction with his. For the low fee of only $576.39 I can show up at your house with a bag of frozen breadsticks (with garlic, of course) and beat you silly with them, all the while screaming, "Mary didn't even have a lamb!" at the top of my lungs. I will only stop if you reply, "I'm compelled! I'm compelled!"

I'd better get off the toilet now.

God bless, you possessed bastards,

- The Absurdist

Applauding Child Molesters: The Woody Allen Story

          I'm just going to come out and say it: Woody Allen is a piece of shit. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about (and if not, please tell me how you get Internet service under a rock). If you want to claim that the sexual abuse claims by Dylan Farrow are simply unproven allegations, then you're in the wrong place. This is a place of intelligence.

          This male person (clearly he's not a man) decided that it was okay to go ahead and sexually molest a SEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL and unfortunately got away with it. It's bad enough that he got away with it, but the fact that the world opened their arms to this person, supported him with their ticket money and even celebrated his 'talent' is revolting to me. I don't care if someone is a genius; they're nothing but garbage when they do such despicable acts as he did.

          Here is a link to the open letter that Dylan Farrow recently released to the New York Times in which she publicly discusses her molestation for the first time. She has been living with memories of the acts that this scumbag committed for twenty years and when he received the Golden Globe lifetime achievement award, she finally decided to speak out publicly about it. Give it a read and I'm sure that you'll join me in a round of applause for this woman. If not, I'll give you a round of applause with your head between my hands, you jackass.

          Woody Allen was never prosecuted for the simple fact that the state attorney didn't want to make young Dylan testify. They had probable cause and I would bet my money that they could have convicted him had they prosecuted. It's a story we've heard far too many times- victims of sexual assault not wanting the attention or to relive their abuse, so the vile human beings that perpetrated the abuse are off the hook. Such is the case with Mr. I've-got-a-Woody-for-adolescent-girls Allen.

          Read that woman's story and what was done to her and tell me that this guy deserves accolades. Tell me that he deserved a lifetime achievement award, dozens of awards and tens of millions of dollars. Tell me that he deserves fame. I dare you. And I don't care if he is talented. I personally wouldn't know because I have never watched his films and I refuse to ever do so.

          I say shame on the millions of people who praise him. Shame on the actors who act in his films. Shame on the people who put money in his dirty pocket. All I really feel about this is shame. There are so many people I'm disappointed in: actors, film production companies, viewers, etc. You should all feel shame. In summary: Woody Allen is a sack of shit child molester, Dylan Farrow is a fighter and I have the utmost respect for her, and every one of the people who support this deviant and his work in any way leave a horrible taste in my mouth and a sick feeling in my stomach.

Yours unless you disagree,

- The Absurdist