The Pop-Tart bill is real and it's not what you think

          Who doesn't like a sugary pastry every now and again? It's breakfast on the go and you can even toast it! That's not all though; you can also... *pause for dramatic effect*... chew it into the shape of a gun! Dun dun duuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn.

          Apparently, that very thing happened in a Maryland school. A student chewed his delicious treat (no word on which kind, dammit!) into the shape of a pistol and ended up being suspended. Now, surely it doesn't need said that this is all because of zero-tolerance policies that have been increasing across the country in the wake of a growing number of school shootings each year (but look, I said it anyways!). Listen kids, zero-tolerance means ZERO. No, you can't chew your breakfast pastry into the shape of a pistol. That's too threatening.

          What in the sweet soaring cosmos is the problem with chewing your food into shapes, be they weapons or animals? Does that really cause a concern? I don't think that it is indicative of violent tendencies. It's FOOD. If I chewed my pancakes into the shape of dicks is that a problem? What about a stick of dynamite? How about if I make my omelet look like a vicious pit bull?

          Couldn't this kid have just received a stern talking to? Something along the lines of, "listen kiddo, that's not okay." Even though I don't see what the problem is with it, they're entitled to take some sort of action. By show of hands, who thinks that going straight to a suspension is the right action on their part? Put your hand down, old lady. Nobody invited you to this party. Right, now that the old bat is gone we can all agree that this is absurd. Spoiler alert: We're not the only ones. Legislators in many states are arguing that zero-tolerance policies are a bit overboard and unforgiving, so they're trying to loosen the leash a bit, if you will.

          Florida is one of those states. I guess they want to make up for that business with Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman. A Republican by the name of Dennis Baxley has introduced what he calls the Pop-Tart bill, which is designed to bar overreactions under zero-tolerance policies that aim to keep weapons out of public schools. Sure enough, he's not the only one who took incidents like the Maryland one seriously because the bill cleared a state House panel recently. I'll tell you what, if this bill makes it into law I may just have to move down to sunny Florida. Ah, the smell of sweet Pop-Tart freedom! I may even go so far as to start liking oranges (I'm a fan of the juice, not the fruit).

          What the hell is happening to this country? I've said it before and I'll say it again: this country is just too goddamn sensitive. I'm not arguing that school shootings are devastating. I'm not arguing that something should be done about that. I AM arguing that our oversensitivity and fear creates a whole shitty mess to deal with. This is a prime example. As a result of increased school violence (is it even increased though), zero-tolerance policies have been put in place. As a result of those policies, a child with a breakfast pastry was suspended. As a result of that, and many other instances like it, legislators are taking time to create bills to deal with the issue of overbearing zero-tolerance policies. The bills need voted on. Panels are used. If the bill is made into law policies will need changed. That'll probably require research, training and shit like that. All over some things like a kid chewing their Pop-Tart into the shape of a pistol or building a model of a gun using Legos.

          Get the fuck over it, people. Do something about the mental health of children. Parent your goddamn children. Lock up your weapons so they can't use them to kill people. Do LOGICAL things to deter violence, not stupid things. Towels can only cover a mess; they don't make it disappear unless you're willing to use a little elbow grease to clean it up.

Boom goes the dynamite,

- The Absurdist