Fuck-It Friday: I HATE SOUP!

Soup. Fucking soup. God, do I hate it. It's one of those foods that just really irks me; probably in the top three. It's really upsetting and when people tell me that they love soup all I hear is, "I love stupid."

My biggest problem with soup is that it's evasive. When I'm trying to fill my big ol' belly, I don't want to have to work that hard for it. If I did, I'd go hunting. Do you see me running madly at a beast in the wild covered in mud, my eyes wild, a knife in hand? No, you don't because that's bullshit. I go grocery shopping (and still look that way).

I don't like dipping my spoon into the bowl only to bring it back up with nothing on it because everything that was once on it slid off on the upswing. Fuck that. And if I want that piece of chicken (one of four in the whole goddamn can), I don't want to have to chase it around the bowl. Get on my spoon and don't give me any grief! It wouldn't even be a problem if there wasn't a billion cups of broth for every one cup of food. Bastards. I can just see them chuckling in a darkly lit room overlooking their stupid soup factory.

"Let's fill the can with broth, Teddy. Then, we can just put in a scoop of food and save money."

"Like the chip bags?"

"Yeah, Teddy. That's exactly what I mean."

You sons of bitches. Dirty rotten scoundrels. I'm not gonna eat your evasive soup. I refuse to be ripped off by some jolly bastard named Teddy in a tuxedo and top hat twirling his mustache and conspiring against the innocent hungry people of the world. Why the hell is he wearing that in a soup factory anyways? It'll get dirty. Unless he covers himself in a thick layer of broth, in which case all of the dirt and dust will just slide off of him like my fucking noodles and chicken slide off of my spoon. I hate Teddy. I hate his soup. Don't ever talk to me about soup. I have PTSD over it.

With a grumbling stomach,

- The Absurdist

The Pop-Tart bill is real and it's not what you think

          Who doesn't like a sugary pastry every now and again? It's breakfast on the go and you can even toast it! That's not all though; you can also... *pause for dramatic effect*... chew it into the shape of a gun! Dun dun duuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn.

          Apparently, that very thing happened in a Maryland school. A student chewed his delicious treat (no word on which kind, dammit!) into the shape of a pistol and ended up being suspended. Now, surely it doesn't need said that this is all because of zero-tolerance policies that have been increasing across the country in the wake of a growing number of school shootings each year (but look, I said it anyways!). Listen kids, zero-tolerance means ZERO. No, you can't chew your breakfast pastry into the shape of a pistol. That's too threatening.

          What in the sweet soaring cosmos is the problem with chewing your food into shapes, be they weapons or animals? Does that really cause a concern? I don't think that it is indicative of violent tendencies. It's FOOD. If I chewed my pancakes into the shape of dicks is that a problem? What about a stick of dynamite? How about if I make my omelet look like a vicious pit bull?

          Couldn't this kid have just received a stern talking to? Something along the lines of, "listen kiddo, that's not okay." Even though I don't see what the problem is with it, they're entitled to take some sort of action. By show of hands, who thinks that going straight to a suspension is the right action on their part? Put your hand down, old lady. Nobody invited you to this party. Right, now that the old bat is gone we can all agree that this is absurd. Spoiler alert: We're not the only ones. Legislators in many states are arguing that zero-tolerance policies are a bit overboard and unforgiving, so they're trying to loosen the leash a bit, if you will.

          Florida is one of those states. I guess they want to make up for that business with Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman. A Republican by the name of Dennis Baxley has introduced what he calls the Pop-Tart bill, which is designed to bar overreactions under zero-tolerance policies that aim to keep weapons out of public schools. Sure enough, he's not the only one who took incidents like the Maryland one seriously because the bill cleared a state House panel recently. I'll tell you what, if this bill makes it into law I may just have to move down to sunny Florida. Ah, the smell of sweet Pop-Tart freedom! I may even go so far as to start liking oranges (I'm a fan of the juice, not the fruit).

          What the hell is happening to this country? I've said it before and I'll say it again: this country is just too goddamn sensitive. I'm not arguing that school shootings are devastating. I'm not arguing that something should be done about that. I AM arguing that our oversensitivity and fear creates a whole shitty mess to deal with. This is a prime example. As a result of increased school violence (is it even increased though), zero-tolerance policies have been put in place. As a result of those policies, a child with a breakfast pastry was suspended. As a result of that, and many other instances like it, legislators are taking time to create bills to deal with the issue of overbearing zero-tolerance policies. The bills need voted on. Panels are used. If the bill is made into law policies will need changed. That'll probably require research, training and shit like that. All over some things like a kid chewing their Pop-Tart into the shape of a pistol or building a model of a gun using Legos.

          Get the fuck over it, people. Do something about the mental health of children. Parent your goddamn children. Lock up your weapons so they can't use them to kill people. Do LOGICAL things to deter violence, not stupid things. Towels can only cover a mess; they don't make it disappear unless you're willing to use a little elbow grease to clean it up.

Boom goes the dynamite,

- The Absurdist

Number of Homeless Iraq/Afghanistan Vets Tripled in 3 Years

          In the United States we talk a big game about supporting the men and women who serve in the military. Some of us show them a lot of respect and some of us not enough. I don't know how I feel about veterans. While I have immense respect and admiration for what they've gone through, without know why they did it I cannot accurately pass judgment. Maybe they did it for a love of their country and fellow man. Maybe they did it because they didn't see any better options out there. Regardless, I'm not judging. I am, however, judging those of us who claim to admire and appreciate them, but don't do anything about their present situation.

          I recently read an article in USA Today by Gregg Zoroya titled 'Up to 48,000 Aghan, Iraq Vets Homeless.' That's right, homeless. In the article, Zoroya reported that in 2013 nearly 48,000 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans we either homeless or enrolled in a federal program trying to keep them off of the streets. That figure is more than three times what it was in 2011.

          Now, in all fairness that sounds worse than it really is. The number of homeless veterans has been on the decline according o the Department of Veterans Affairs. What they've done is expanded efforts to identify and assist homeless veterans throughout all fifty states. That means more reports of homeless veterans, not more homeless veterans. Regardless, I'd say that 48,000 men and women who served in the two big wars of my lifetime being homeless is an unacceptable travesty. I'm not saying that because they are veterans they are more important, just that given what they've sacrificed for this nation we cannot ignore their struggles.

          The Department of Veterans Affairs has been doing all that they can to help homeless veterans and just locked in funding of $600 million for 2014-15. That money goes towards helping veterans keep their homes and their efforts include mediating with property owners, assisting with rent and utilities, moving expenses, child are, transportation, etc. I'd say they're holding up their end of the bargain as best they can.

          When you look at some of the other amounts that the federal government spends on bullshit programs and studies, you'll find that a lot of it could easily be shifted toward a more important and valuable program such as taking care of the men and women who have taken care of us. I'm not telling you this to make you go find a homeless veteran and give them a place to live and food to eat. I'm telling you this simply because it is our duty to at least be aware of the struggles that they continue to endure even after their time has been served. While we may not know what they went through overseas, we can sure as hell know what they're going through here and to ignore that is to spit in the face of all that they've done for us.

Here's hoping you give a damn,

-The Absurdist

Fuck It Friday: Exorcisms Now Available Via Skype!!!

You know, I've been saying for years that religion makes people crazy. Some religious nuts love everyone and some hate everyone. There's no shortage of priests having tickle time with children and apparently Jesus still loves them. I'm not even going to start ranting about religion. That will be a topic for another Fuck It Friday. This one pertains to religion, but is rather specific.

There is a Reverend in Scottsdale, Arizona by the name of Bob Larson (Bob the Reverend? That alone makes me chuckle) who specializes in exorcisms. Yep, ridding people of demonic possessions and all that good shit. I still say the best way to exorcise a demon is to tape headphones over the ears of the possessed and blast Justin Bieber, but they don't ask for my opinion. I didn't go to Reverend school. Anyways, the good Reverend Bob decided that he's going to put a new spin on the exorcism business. I suppose it's his right seeing as he claims to have performed more than 20,000 'old fashioned' exorcisms over the past four decades. Jesus, he's been exorcising for forty years. I can't even get off the couch and exercise for forty minutes.

Bobby has decided to embrace the technological age and is now offering to perform exorcisms via Skype. Yes, Skype; that lovely service we use to chat with friends in other states or countries and family members that we miss dearly. Sweet Bob is going to use that beloved service to rid some kind folks of their demons, literally. Me thinks Bob is getting too much sun over there in Arizona.

Here's the skinny: for the completely reasonable and affordable fee of $295 you can have your very own sixty minute exorcism. And to sweeten the pot a little (as if banishing your demons isn't enough), that money is considered a tax-deductible donation to the International Missions Program! I don't know about you, but I'm pulling out my credit card as we speak!

Head on over to Bob's website to find out more about this exceptional individual! He's got tons of stuff for sale, a link to his School of Exorcism and a DEMON TEST! That last part is my favorite. Of course, everything has a price tag on it (naturally), so I didn't look too much into it. However, I did check out Bob's YouTube page. That was more fun than I could have hoped. I especially liked when he exorcised a gay demon from this lovely older gentleman. Ah, the power of Christ compelled him indeed.

Bob inspired me to start my own service in conjunction with his. For the low fee of only $576.39 I can show up at your house with a bag of frozen breadsticks (with garlic, of course) and beat you silly with them, all the while screaming, "Mary didn't even have a lamb!" at the top of my lungs. I will only stop if you reply, "I'm compelled! I'm compelled!"

I'd better get off the toilet now.

God bless, you possessed bastards,

- The Absurdist

Applauding Child Molesters: The Woody Allen Story

          I'm just going to come out and say it: Woody Allen is a piece of shit. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about (and if not, please tell me how you get Internet service under a rock). If you want to claim that the sexual abuse claims by Dylan Farrow are simply unproven allegations, then you're in the wrong place. This is a place of intelligence.

          This male person (clearly he's not a man) decided that it was okay to go ahead and sexually molest a SEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL and unfortunately got away with it. It's bad enough that he got away with it, but the fact that the world opened their arms to this person, supported him with their ticket money and even celebrated his 'talent' is revolting to me. I don't care if someone is a genius; they're nothing but garbage when they do such despicable acts as he did.

          Here is a link to the open letter that Dylan Farrow recently released to the New York Times in which she publicly discusses her molestation for the first time. She has been living with memories of the acts that this scumbag committed for twenty years and when he received the Golden Globe lifetime achievement award, she finally decided to speak out publicly about it. Give it a read and I'm sure that you'll join me in a round of applause for this woman. If not, I'll give you a round of applause with your head between my hands, you jackass.

          Woody Allen was never prosecuted for the simple fact that the state attorney didn't want to make young Dylan testify. They had probable cause and I would bet my money that they could have convicted him had they prosecuted. It's a story we've heard far too many times- victims of sexual assault not wanting the attention or to relive their abuse, so the vile human beings that perpetrated the abuse are off the hook. Such is the case with Mr. I've-got-a-Woody-for-adolescent-girls Allen.

          Read that woman's story and what was done to her and tell me that this guy deserves accolades. Tell me that he deserved a lifetime achievement award, dozens of awards and tens of millions of dollars. Tell me that he deserves fame. I dare you. And I don't care if he is talented. I personally wouldn't know because I have never watched his films and I refuse to ever do so.

          I say shame on the millions of people who praise him. Shame on the actors who act in his films. Shame on the people who put money in his dirty pocket. All I really feel about this is shame. There are so many people I'm disappointed in: actors, film production companies, viewers, etc. You should all feel shame. In summary: Woody Allen is a sack of shit child molester, Dylan Farrow is a fighter and I have the utmost respect for her, and every one of the people who support this deviant and his work in any way leave a horrible taste in my mouth and a sick feeling in my stomach.

Yours unless you disagree,

- The Absurdist

How Our Media Contributes to Racism

          Last week yet another school shooting occurred. This one was at South Carolina State University and left one student dead. I'm not going to get into the details of the shooting because you've either already read or heard about it or could simply look it up on one of your half dozen tech gadgets. What I'm here to talk about is the bullshit reporting by 'reputable' news outlets that followed the shooting.

          The first article I read about the shooting from was on CNN.com. After that I saw stories from Fox News and Huffington Post as well posted on Twitter. As the shooting had just occurred, I checked each story for any new developments. Unlike a lot of you, I give a shit, but that's neither here nor there. We already knew I was better, now didn't we?

          The thing that really pissed me off was the closing paragraph in each article by each news outlet. In each instance, the reporter felt the need to include the following: "South Carolina State is a historically black school."

          That's right, they thought it was important to point out in an article about a school shooting that the University at which the shooting took place has historically had black students. I'm interested to know the reason for that statement. Certainly it wasn't just a little fun fact for us, as an article of that sort isn't the proper place for trivia. Even if it were, how about some more trivia? How does the school rank nationally on test scores? What is the average GPA of attending students? How about sports? Do they have any and, if so, are they any good? None of that was included, which leads be to believe that trivia was not the purpose. So, what was the point of it?

          I really wish I knew the answer to that because I would love to hear it. If you ask me, negativity was the only thing the statement brought. It subtly linked race to the shooting, whether the reporters intended it to or not. I'm inclined to believe that they did. Shit, racism sells in this day and age and media outlets are fully aware of it. You're fooling yourself if you think that the media is unbiased. They're as crooked at the politicians that run them. They write the stories that they're told to write and the stories that will sell and they're willing to put a spin on it to boost sales.

          Have you ever in your life read an article about a school shooting that pointed out that the university is a historically white school? No, you haven't, and that is exactly why it's racist. If we as a country want everyone to be treated equally, then we need to stop separating everything into races, genders, sexually orientations, religions, etc. We need to stop writing garbage that reporters like those who wrote about this shooting wrote. In my heart I truly believe that the media wants separation. They want hate and violence. Without it, they've got nothing to write. Like I said, the media is just as corrupt at politicians and, unfortunately, just as hard to fix. For as long as news and politics have been around, the two have worked  hand in hand. If we really want to make this world a better place, we've got to start there.

          If you really care about equality, then you need to stand up and fight for it. I implore you to write to these media outlets about the articles written about this shooting and tell them exactly how you feel about it because if nobody says anything, then nobody does anything. Change only comes by force (and I don't mean violence) and force comes from us. Society needs to stop screaming for equality and start actually trying to achieve it. Stop making everything about black, white, man, woman, gay, straight, and so on. Every single one of us was born the same way and the sooner we stop reminding ourselves of our differences, the sooner we can live the same way. Skin color is nothing but color. Men and women have different sexual organs. Some people are attracted to the opposite sex and some to their own. None of that matters when you pull it all away and reveal just another living and breathing human being.

Peace, Love, and Unity,

- The Absurdist

Punxsutawney Phil Doesn't Know Shit

          Yesterday was February 2nd and that means Groundhog's Day. It's a day involving fun and festivities in Punxsutawney, PA. Every year since 1887, Punxsutawney (or one of his MANY incarnations) is aroused at sunrise and brought out of his home to see if he casts a shadow. If he does, it means six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't, it means an early spring. That's right, a groundhog predicting the weather. As if it's not bad enough that meteorologists can't correctly predict the weather in the coming weeks, we expect an animal and it's shadow to tell us if winter will continue or not.

          The thing about this tradition is that it is really nothing but a festival in Punxsutawney. They get to have fun, listen to music and eat food. It is an all day celebration of who-knows-what. The very thing that the festivities are centered around is actually a complete failure when it comes to the historical stats.

          According to Live Science, the Groundhog Club's (yep, they even have a club) records indicate that Phil and his incarnations have predicted 99 long winters and 15 early springs. There is no record of the predictions for 9 years. Now, let's take a look at the accuracy of those predictions. Stormfax Almanac's records indicate that Phil's predictions of a long winter were correct a mere 39% of the time. So, more than half of the time, Phil was just plain wrong about long winters. According to Tim Roche, a meteorologist at Weather Underground, when Phil predicted an early spring he was correct 47% of the time. Again, not even half.

          What does that mean? Well, grab a quarter and you've got two sides- heads and tails. If you flip that coin, there is a 50% chance it will land on heads and 50% chance it will land on tails. Designate one side for early spring and one for a longer winter. When you flip that coin you've got better odds of a correct prediction than that groundhog and his stupid shadow.

          It is for this reason that I get annoyed as shit every year when that goddamn groundhog is all over the newspaper and the Internet. He's an animal that we coax out of his home (that we provide for him year round) to see if he has a shadow. It's beyond absurd. In fact, I'd go so far as to call it downright asinine. Every time someone mentions that little animal's prediction I feel pity for them and a little bit of anger. Why must we continue to participate in such a ridiculous event when it is proven to be absolutely false? Because it's a tradition? There are a lot of things that are tradition that are stupid and meaningless and the fact that we continue to participate in them is a sign of our stupidity as a society.

          Enjoy your groundhog prediction. Get your hopes up when he says there will be an early spring. Be sad when he calls for six more weeks of winter. Seeing as the odds aren't in his favor, I'm going to go ahead and not give a shit about the predictions of an animal that has no idea what's happening. I'm an intelligent human being. Come and join me, why don't you?

Get it? Got it? Good,

- The Absurdist