Massachusetts town: "Put your money where your mouth is"

          A town south of Boston, Massachusetts is apparently suffering from a quality of life problem centered around people being too damn loud. The Hingham Board of Selectmen (what in the sweet red rose pedals is a Board of Selectman anyways?!) has proposed a new noise ordinance that would fine residents who are caught having conversations that exceed 55 decibels.

          Let's put that number into perspective. According to Industrial Noise Control Inc., 50 decibels is roughly that of a "quiet suburb, conversation at home." They further report that 60 decibels is "conversation in restaurant, office, background music, Air conditioning unit at 100 feet." So, if that new noise ordinance is passed, all conversation in the town must fall between those two thresholds or face a fine of $100 to $300.

          The reason for this proposal? The town received 300 noise complaints last year. However, the article I read did not give any indication of the nature of those 300 noise complaints. Maybe they were over loud music. Perhaps a neighbor was sawing some wood later in the evening that others may find acceptable. Maybe there were some fireworks for a celebration? How many of those 300 noise complaints really involved loud conversation?

         This whole thing is just absurd. Let's consider some other noises you may hear in an everyday town. The following comes from the American Academy of Audiology: Moderate noise levels include moderate rainfall at 50 decibels and normal conversation and dishwashers at 60 decibels. Traffic and vacuums clock in at 70 decibels and alarm clocks at 80. When you get to 90 decibels you find lawnmowers, power tools, blenders and hair dryers. Car horns are listed at 110 decibels, jackhammers and ambulances at 130 decibels and fireworks at 140 decibels.

          So, is the prestigious Hingham Board of Selectmen going to fine people for mowing their lawn, honking their horn, using jackhammers during construction, and setting off fireworks on the Fourth of July and other holidays? Are they going to stop allowing ambulances to use their sirens? Of course they're not! The issue isn't that the conversation is too loud, it's that people don't want to hear it.

          You want to talk to me about quality of life issues? Nobody checks with me before they start mowing their lawn at 7 a.m. on a Saturday or using power tools. They don't run it by me before they start shooting off fireworks on the Fourth of July. I may not appreciate it, but I certainly don't raise a stink over it just because it may be annoying because it's not really hurting anyone. If the ruckus is taking place during late hours and it's causing a disturbance, then point a time in place for this ordinance, but all the time? I'm sorry, but if I lived in Hingham I'd tell them to go fuck themselves... over a bullhorn... during dinner time. Then I'd blast the Macarena as loud as my stereo would go and dance in the street until my legs gave out.

Shouting for all to hear,

-The Absurdist