Daylight Stupid Time means we're all sheep

Daylight Savings Time (DST) is bullshit. The whole concept just pisses me off. Time is one of things that we are taught is constant; you can't freeze it even if you want to. In that respect the saying holds true, but that's about it. However, it's not very constant when we can push it ahead or back an hour at whim.

The thing that really pisses me off about DST is that it promotes the idea that as individuals we can't just say, "no, I'm not gonna do it that way. This is how it's gonna be," but as a society we can. Not only that, but you don't have a choice. Everyone else says we're doing it, so you're doing it too. Deal with it. Jesus, I hope everyone else doesn't start eating wolf testicles twice a year; I really don't want to do that.

Stop fucking with things. Just leave it alone. How was this even decided on? I doubt it was voted on. Some assholes just said, "this is a good idea. Here's why. Trust us," and everyone else just went along with it. Bullshit. Sheep. What about me? What if I don't agree with the practice? Oh that's right, nobody cares what I agree with. News flash: a shit ton of people think it is stupid and the 'benefits' aren't worth it.

The reasons for DST are purely economical; don't let them tell you otherwise. The more daylight we have, the more shopping we'll do because even though the clock says it's late we see the sun and feel like we have more time. We spend more money. And this crap about using less energy is just stupid. And for the love of Me, don't believe the garbage you hear about it being for the farmers. They actually think that the practice is disruptive. So there. Leave the clocks alone. I'm tired of this shit. We shouldn't be forced to do stupid things like this, but again we have no choice. Thanks, society, for once again proving that you're stupid and you'll do whatever you're told because you're all a bunch of submissive tools and giving me no choice but to submit with your silly asses.

Forever rebelling,

- The Absurdist

A free iPad?! Yes, please!

I recently did a small social experiment on Facebook involving my "friends." I knew what the outcome would be, but I wanted to prove if, if to nobody but myself. I know that the people I know are ignorant and selfish, but proving it made me chuckle more than a little.

You see, I post a lot of current news on Twitter and Facebook: the war in Syria, the uprising in the Ukraine, gun violence in America, etc. The thing is, nobody seems to give a shit, let alone two. Who knows if they even read my whole tweet or status update. I'd bet they don't open the links I post even with headlines telling of tens of thousands of people being murdered and tortured. Those tweets and status updates don't get retweeted, liked or commented on. Nothing. Silence. You know what does get a lot of response? A free iPad. That's right, a fucking tablet.

I went on Facebook and posted "who wants a free iPad?" Sure as shit, within hours I had more private messages, comments and likes than I had in weeks on any of the IMPORTANT things I had said. My "friends" were eager to jump on that offer like it was a steak and they hadn't eaten in days. On the one hand it was satisfying to be right yet again, but on the other hand it made me more sad than I had anticipated. Sure, I was right, but I guess there was a little piece of me hoping that I would be surprised for once. I've always hoped for more from people and I'm constantly disappointed by them.

The moral of the story? Fuck the people being slaughtered in Syria. Fuck the uprising and increasing violence in the Ukraine. Fuck Russia threatening to step in against people they would crush. Fuck the increasing tensions in Venezuela. Fuck homosexuality being illegal in supposedly civilized countries. Fuck civil rights violations across the globe. Where are the iPads? Can I get one? Where? Wait, it's free?! Where is it?! TELL ME! I NEED TO KNOW!!!

Your moral superior,

- The Absurdist

Fuck-It Friday: I HATE SOUP!

Soup. Fucking soup. God, do I hate it. It's one of those foods that just really irks me; probably in the top three. It's really upsetting and when people tell me that they love soup all I hear is, "I love stupid."

My biggest problem with soup is that it's evasive. When I'm trying to fill my big ol' belly, I don't want to have to work that hard for it. If I did, I'd go hunting. Do you see me running madly at a beast in the wild covered in mud, my eyes wild, a knife in hand? No, you don't because that's bullshit. I go grocery shopping (and still look that way).

I don't like dipping my spoon into the bowl only to bring it back up with nothing on it because everything that was once on it slid off on the upswing. Fuck that. And if I want that piece of chicken (one of four in the whole goddamn can), I don't want to have to chase it around the bowl. Get on my spoon and don't give me any grief! It wouldn't even be a problem if there wasn't a billion cups of broth for every one cup of food. Bastards. I can just see them chuckling in a darkly lit room overlooking their stupid soup factory.

"Let's fill the can with broth, Teddy. Then, we can just put in a scoop of food and save money."

"Like the chip bags?"

"Yeah, Teddy. That's exactly what I mean."

You sons of bitches. Dirty rotten scoundrels. I'm not gonna eat your evasive soup. I refuse to be ripped off by some jolly bastard named Teddy in a tuxedo and top hat twirling his mustache and conspiring against the innocent hungry people of the world. Why the hell is he wearing that in a soup factory anyways? It'll get dirty. Unless he covers himself in a thick layer of broth, in which case all of the dirt and dust will just slide off of him like my fucking noodles and chicken slide off of my spoon. I hate Teddy. I hate his soup. Don't ever talk to me about soup. I have PTSD over it.

With a grumbling stomach,

- The Absurdist

The Pop-Tart bill is real and it's not what you think

          Who doesn't like a sugary pastry every now and again? It's breakfast on the go and you can even toast it! That's not all though; you can also... *pause for dramatic effect*... chew it into the shape of a gun! Dun dun duuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn.

          Apparently, that very thing happened in a Maryland school. A student chewed his delicious treat (no word on which kind, dammit!) into the shape of a pistol and ended up being suspended. Now, surely it doesn't need said that this is all because of zero-tolerance policies that have been increasing across the country in the wake of a growing number of school shootings each year (but look, I said it anyways!). Listen kids, zero-tolerance means ZERO. No, you can't chew your breakfast pastry into the shape of a pistol. That's too threatening.

          What in the sweet soaring cosmos is the problem with chewing your food into shapes, be they weapons or animals? Does that really cause a concern? I don't think that it is indicative of violent tendencies. It's FOOD. If I chewed my pancakes into the shape of dicks is that a problem? What about a stick of dynamite? How about if I make my omelet look like a vicious pit bull?

          Couldn't this kid have just received a stern talking to? Something along the lines of, "listen kiddo, that's not okay." Even though I don't see what the problem is with it, they're entitled to take some sort of action. By show of hands, who thinks that going straight to a suspension is the right action on their part? Put your hand down, old lady. Nobody invited you to this party. Right, now that the old bat is gone we can all agree that this is absurd. Spoiler alert: We're not the only ones. Legislators in many states are arguing that zero-tolerance policies are a bit overboard and unforgiving, so they're trying to loosen the leash a bit, if you will.

          Florida is one of those states. I guess they want to make up for that business with Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman. A Republican by the name of Dennis Baxley has introduced what he calls the Pop-Tart bill, which is designed to bar overreactions under zero-tolerance policies that aim to keep weapons out of public schools. Sure enough, he's not the only one who took incidents like the Maryland one seriously because the bill cleared a state House panel recently. I'll tell you what, if this bill makes it into law I may just have to move down to sunny Florida. Ah, the smell of sweet Pop-Tart freedom! I may even go so far as to start liking oranges (I'm a fan of the juice, not the fruit).

          What the hell is happening to this country? I've said it before and I'll say it again: this country is just too goddamn sensitive. I'm not arguing that school shootings are devastating. I'm not arguing that something should be done about that. I AM arguing that our oversensitivity and fear creates a whole shitty mess to deal with. This is a prime example. As a result of increased school violence (is it even increased though), zero-tolerance policies have been put in place. As a result of those policies, a child with a breakfast pastry was suspended. As a result of that, and many other instances like it, legislators are taking time to create bills to deal with the issue of overbearing zero-tolerance policies. The bills need voted on. Panels are used. If the bill is made into law policies will need changed. That'll probably require research, training and shit like that. All over some things like a kid chewing their Pop-Tart into the shape of a pistol or building a model of a gun using Legos.

          Get the fuck over it, people. Do something about the mental health of children. Parent your goddamn children. Lock up your weapons so they can't use them to kill people. Do LOGICAL things to deter violence, not stupid things. Towels can only cover a mess; they don't make it disappear unless you're willing to use a little elbow grease to clean it up.

Boom goes the dynamite,

- The Absurdist

Number of Homeless Iraq/Afghanistan Vets Tripled in 3 Years

          In the United States we talk a big game about supporting the men and women who serve in the military. Some of us show them a lot of respect and some of us not enough. I don't know how I feel about veterans. While I have immense respect and admiration for what they've gone through, without know why they did it I cannot accurately pass judgment. Maybe they did it for a love of their country and fellow man. Maybe they did it because they didn't see any better options out there. Regardless, I'm not judging. I am, however, judging those of us who claim to admire and appreciate them, but don't do anything about their present situation.

          I recently read an article in USA Today by Gregg Zoroya titled 'Up to 48,000 Aghan, Iraq Vets Homeless.' That's right, homeless. In the article, Zoroya reported that in 2013 nearly 48,000 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans we either homeless or enrolled in a federal program trying to keep them off of the streets. That figure is more than three times what it was in 2011.

          Now, in all fairness that sounds worse than it really is. The number of homeless veterans has been on the decline according o the Department of Veterans Affairs. What they've done is expanded efforts to identify and assist homeless veterans throughout all fifty states. That means more reports of homeless veterans, not more homeless veterans. Regardless, I'd say that 48,000 men and women who served in the two big wars of my lifetime being homeless is an unacceptable travesty. I'm not saying that because they are veterans they are more important, just that given what they've sacrificed for this nation we cannot ignore their struggles.

          The Department of Veterans Affairs has been doing all that they can to help homeless veterans and just locked in funding of $600 million for 2014-15. That money goes towards helping veterans keep their homes and their efforts include mediating with property owners, assisting with rent and utilities, moving expenses, child are, transportation, etc. I'd say they're holding up their end of the bargain as best they can.

          When you look at some of the other amounts that the federal government spends on bullshit programs and studies, you'll find that a lot of it could easily be shifted toward a more important and valuable program such as taking care of the men and women who have taken care of us. I'm not telling you this to make you go find a homeless veteran and give them a place to live and food to eat. I'm telling you this simply because it is our duty to at least be aware of the struggles that they continue to endure even after their time has been served. While we may not know what they went through overseas, we can sure as hell know what they're going through here and to ignore that is to spit in the face of all that they've done for us.

Here's hoping you give a damn,

-The Absurdist

Fuck It Friday: Exorcisms Now Available Via Skype!!!

You know, I've been saying for years that religion makes people crazy. Some religious nuts love everyone and some hate everyone. There's no shortage of priests having tickle time with children and apparently Jesus still loves them. I'm not even going to start ranting about religion. That will be a topic for another Fuck It Friday. This one pertains to religion, but is rather specific.

There is a Reverend in Scottsdale, Arizona by the name of Bob Larson (Bob the Reverend? That alone makes me chuckle) who specializes in exorcisms. Yep, ridding people of demonic possessions and all that good shit. I still say the best way to exorcise a demon is to tape headphones over the ears of the possessed and blast Justin Bieber, but they don't ask for my opinion. I didn't go to Reverend school. Anyways, the good Reverend Bob decided that he's going to put a new spin on the exorcism business. I suppose it's his right seeing as he claims to have performed more than 20,000 'old fashioned' exorcisms over the past four decades. Jesus, he's been exorcising for forty years. I can't even get off the couch and exercise for forty minutes.

Bobby has decided to embrace the technological age and is now offering to perform exorcisms via Skype. Yes, Skype; that lovely service we use to chat with friends in other states or countries and family members that we miss dearly. Sweet Bob is going to use that beloved service to rid some kind folks of their demons, literally. Me thinks Bob is getting too much sun over there in Arizona.

Here's the skinny: for the completely reasonable and affordable fee of $295 you can have your very own sixty minute exorcism. And to sweeten the pot a little (as if banishing your demons isn't enough), that money is considered a tax-deductible donation to the International Missions Program! I don't know about you, but I'm pulling out my credit card as we speak!

Head on over to Bob's website to find out more about this exceptional individual! He's got tons of stuff for sale, a link to his School of Exorcism and a DEMON TEST! That last part is my favorite. Of course, everything has a price tag on it (naturally), so I didn't look too much into it. However, I did check out Bob's YouTube page. That was more fun than I could have hoped. I especially liked when he exorcised a gay demon from this lovely older gentleman. Ah, the power of Christ compelled him indeed.

Bob inspired me to start my own service in conjunction with his. For the low fee of only $576.39 I can show up at your house with a bag of frozen breadsticks (with garlic, of course) and beat you silly with them, all the while screaming, "Mary didn't even have a lamb!" at the top of my lungs. I will only stop if you reply, "I'm compelled! I'm compelled!"

I'd better get off the toilet now.

God bless, you possessed bastards,

- The Absurdist

Applauding Child Molesters: The Woody Allen Story

          I'm just going to come out and say it: Woody Allen is a piece of shit. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about (and if not, please tell me how you get Internet service under a rock). If you want to claim that the sexual abuse claims by Dylan Farrow are simply unproven allegations, then you're in the wrong place. This is a place of intelligence.

          This male person (clearly he's not a man) decided that it was okay to go ahead and sexually molest a SEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL and unfortunately got away with it. It's bad enough that he got away with it, but the fact that the world opened their arms to this person, supported him with their ticket money and even celebrated his 'talent' is revolting to me. I don't care if someone is a genius; they're nothing but garbage when they do such despicable acts as he did.

          Here is a link to the open letter that Dylan Farrow recently released to the New York Times in which she publicly discusses her molestation for the first time. She has been living with memories of the acts that this scumbag committed for twenty years and when he received the Golden Globe lifetime achievement award, she finally decided to speak out publicly about it. Give it a read and I'm sure that you'll join me in a round of applause for this woman. If not, I'll give you a round of applause with your head between my hands, you jackass.

          Woody Allen was never prosecuted for the simple fact that the state attorney didn't want to make young Dylan testify. They had probable cause and I would bet my money that they could have convicted him had they prosecuted. It's a story we've heard far too many times- victims of sexual assault not wanting the attention or to relive their abuse, so the vile human beings that perpetrated the abuse are off the hook. Such is the case with Mr. I've-got-a-Woody-for-adolescent-girls Allen.

          Read that woman's story and what was done to her and tell me that this guy deserves accolades. Tell me that he deserved a lifetime achievement award, dozens of awards and tens of millions of dollars. Tell me that he deserves fame. I dare you. And I don't care if he is talented. I personally wouldn't know because I have never watched his films and I refuse to ever do so.

          I say shame on the millions of people who praise him. Shame on the actors who act in his films. Shame on the people who put money in his dirty pocket. All I really feel about this is shame. There are so many people I'm disappointed in: actors, film production companies, viewers, etc. You should all feel shame. In summary: Woody Allen is a sack of shit child molester, Dylan Farrow is a fighter and I have the utmost respect for her, and every one of the people who support this deviant and his work in any way leave a horrible taste in my mouth and a sick feeling in my stomach.

Yours unless you disagree,

- The Absurdist

How Our Media Contributes to Racism

          Last week yet another school shooting occurred. This one was at South Carolina State University and left one student dead. I'm not going to get into the details of the shooting because you've either already read or heard about it or could simply look it up on one of your half dozen tech gadgets. What I'm here to talk about is the bullshit reporting by 'reputable' news outlets that followed the shooting.

          The first article I read about the shooting from was on CNN.com. After that I saw stories from Fox News and Huffington Post as well posted on Twitter. As the shooting had just occurred, I checked each story for any new developments. Unlike a lot of you, I give a shit, but that's neither here nor there. We already knew I was better, now didn't we?

          The thing that really pissed me off was the closing paragraph in each article by each news outlet. In each instance, the reporter felt the need to include the following: "South Carolina State is a historically black school."

          That's right, they thought it was important to point out in an article about a school shooting that the University at which the shooting took place has historically had black students. I'm interested to know the reason for that statement. Certainly it wasn't just a little fun fact for us, as an article of that sort isn't the proper place for trivia. Even if it were, how about some more trivia? How does the school rank nationally on test scores? What is the average GPA of attending students? How about sports? Do they have any and, if so, are they any good? None of that was included, which leads be to believe that trivia was not the purpose. So, what was the point of it?

          I really wish I knew the answer to that because I would love to hear it. If you ask me, negativity was the only thing the statement brought. It subtly linked race to the shooting, whether the reporters intended it to or not. I'm inclined to believe that they did. Shit, racism sells in this day and age and media outlets are fully aware of it. You're fooling yourself if you think that the media is unbiased. They're as crooked at the politicians that run them. They write the stories that they're told to write and the stories that will sell and they're willing to put a spin on it to boost sales.

          Have you ever in your life read an article about a school shooting that pointed out that the university is a historically white school? No, you haven't, and that is exactly why it's racist. If we as a country want everyone to be treated equally, then we need to stop separating everything into races, genders, sexually orientations, religions, etc. We need to stop writing garbage that reporters like those who wrote about this shooting wrote. In my heart I truly believe that the media wants separation. They want hate and violence. Without it, they've got nothing to write. Like I said, the media is just as corrupt at politicians and, unfortunately, just as hard to fix. For as long as news and politics have been around, the two have worked  hand in hand. If we really want to make this world a better place, we've got to start there.

          If you really care about equality, then you need to stand up and fight for it. I implore you to write to these media outlets about the articles written about this shooting and tell them exactly how you feel about it because if nobody says anything, then nobody does anything. Change only comes by force (and I don't mean violence) and force comes from us. Society needs to stop screaming for equality and start actually trying to achieve it. Stop making everything about black, white, man, woman, gay, straight, and so on. Every single one of us was born the same way and the sooner we stop reminding ourselves of our differences, the sooner we can live the same way. Skin color is nothing but color. Men and women have different sexual organs. Some people are attracted to the opposite sex and some to their own. None of that matters when you pull it all away and reveal just another living and breathing human being.

Peace, Love, and Unity,

- The Absurdist

Punxsutawney Phil Doesn't Know Shit

          Yesterday was February 2nd and that means Groundhog's Day. It's a day involving fun and festivities in Punxsutawney, PA. Every year since 1887, Punxsutawney (or one of his MANY incarnations) is aroused at sunrise and brought out of his home to see if he casts a shadow. If he does, it means six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't, it means an early spring. That's right, a groundhog predicting the weather. As if it's not bad enough that meteorologists can't correctly predict the weather in the coming weeks, we expect an animal and it's shadow to tell us if winter will continue or not.

          The thing about this tradition is that it is really nothing but a festival in Punxsutawney. They get to have fun, listen to music and eat food. It is an all day celebration of who-knows-what. The very thing that the festivities are centered around is actually a complete failure when it comes to the historical stats.

          According to Live Science, the Groundhog Club's (yep, they even have a club) records indicate that Phil and his incarnations have predicted 99 long winters and 15 early springs. There is no record of the predictions for 9 years. Now, let's take a look at the accuracy of those predictions. Stormfax Almanac's records indicate that Phil's predictions of a long winter were correct a mere 39% of the time. So, more than half of the time, Phil was just plain wrong about long winters. According to Tim Roche, a meteorologist at Weather Underground, when Phil predicted an early spring he was correct 47% of the time. Again, not even half.

          What does that mean? Well, grab a quarter and you've got two sides- heads and tails. If you flip that coin, there is a 50% chance it will land on heads and 50% chance it will land on tails. Designate one side for early spring and one for a longer winter. When you flip that coin you've got better odds of a correct prediction than that groundhog and his stupid shadow.

          It is for this reason that I get annoyed as shit every year when that goddamn groundhog is all over the newspaper and the Internet. He's an animal that we coax out of his home (that we provide for him year round) to see if he has a shadow. It's beyond absurd. In fact, I'd go so far as to call it downright asinine. Every time someone mentions that little animal's prediction I feel pity for them and a little bit of anger. Why must we continue to participate in such a ridiculous event when it is proven to be absolutely false? Because it's a tradition? There are a lot of things that are tradition that are stupid and meaningless and the fact that we continue to participate in them is a sign of our stupidity as a society.

          Enjoy your groundhog prediction. Get your hopes up when he says there will be an early spring. Be sad when he calls for six more weeks of winter. Seeing as the odds aren't in his favor, I'm going to go ahead and not give a shit about the predictions of an animal that has no idea what's happening. I'm an intelligent human being. Come and join me, why don't you?

Get it? Got it? Good,

- The Absurdist

Fuck It Friday: Skewed Priorities Value Super Bowl Over Family

          I recently saw a poll in the USA Today concerning the Super Bowl that left a foul taste in my mouth and it's just in time for Sunday's big game. It brought to light yet another reason to lose faith in humanity by showing just what our priorities are here in the good ol' United States of Idiots.

          The topic of the poll was 'What people would give up to go to the Super Bowl.' Here are the results: 23% of those polled said they would give up vacation. 21% would give up an important work responsibility, 20% would give up the wedding of a close friend or family member, 19% would give up the funeral of a loved one and 15% would give up the birth of a child. Yeah, give those last two a moment to sit in.

.........

          Okay, are you ready to talk about it yet? No? Alright, I can wait. 

........

          All good? Great, let's move on.

          I can see the top three things people would give up to go to the Super Bowl (although maybe not this year, what with the cold and all). You can go on vacation anytime, but the Super Bowl is once a year and tickets are hard to come by. Work? Who gives a shit? You know what they say about all work an no play. I'll even go along with skipping a wedding. After all, it's not your wedding. Those three I could understand giving up. Hell, I'd probably make the same decision. The last two are a different story.

          If you would honestly skip the funeral of a loved one to go to the Super Bowl, then clearly they weren't that loved by you. For shame, I say! What kind of person says, "Nah, I'm gonna pass on Grandpa's funeral. I've got tickets to the Super Bowl," and thinks they're decent? I would call them morally repugnant at the very best. We only get one opportunity to say goodbye to our loved ones and you'd pass that up to go to a football game? You senseless son of a bitch. If you were one of my loved ones, I'd disown you in a heartbeat.

          Skipping the birth of your child is a whole different kind of pathetic. I'd like to find out the names of those 15% polled and tell their spouses; start up a good argument and make the bastards sleep on the couch. Or better yet, the barn where the filthy animals belong. Seriously?! How many times do you get to see the birth of your child? You created a human being and it's finally being brought into this world after months of preparation and excitement and you bail on that to watch a football game? That's disgraceful. No, it's downright unconscionable. You don't deserve a child. How many times are you going to abandon it throughout its life for something else? You are a stain on the whole world; a red mark reminding us of our errors.

          It's a game, people! What part of that is hard to understand? They play football. It's on television. With the technology we have these days, you can record it and watch it after you do your duties as a human being. This is just fucking absurd! If you're one of those 19% who would skip the funeral or the 15% who would skip the birth of your child, then you need to put away your device right now, think about what's important to you, and go apologize to everyone you know because you've probably already done something insensitive and awful to them, you big dumb jackass.

Yours until I find someone better,

-The Absurdist

Women Who Fight Harassment by Harassing

          I recently read an article in the Pittsburgh City paper titled 'Sticks and Stones' by Rebecca Nuttall that at first glance wasn't anything special. Half way through the article I knew that I had to share it here.

          The article was about a group that is taking a stand against verbal harassment. I'm okay with that. Verbal harassment isn't cool. iHollaback.org was created for victims of "street harassment" to share their experiences and has launched in 22 countries. In the article, street harassment is defined as 'a form of sexual harassment that occurs every day between strangers in public places.'

          Now, while verbal comments such as 'hey, sexy' and 'I'd tap that' are constitutionally protected (1st Amendment, people), most would agree that they're not very polite. As this type of speech is protected and cannot be prosecuted, iHollaback.org encourages users to fight back in another way by encouraging them to post pictures and videos of their harassers and post them on the website. After all, that is also protected free speech. The goal of posting pictures and videos is two-fold. First, it is supposed to increase awareness of street harassment. Second, it can hopefully shame people into changing their behavior.

          The thing that strikes me as incredibly stupid is a quote from Allison Winters, a co-founder of the Pittsburgh chapter of the organization. She says, "the goal is not to end communication between strangers, but to have it defined by respect." I'm sorry, but that is a completely ridiculous strategy to the problem. It seems, though, that in this day and age we are all for ridiculous strategies that do nothing but make us feel better about things we cannot control. Not to mention that if by some miracle this thing caught on, it would dampen communication between strangers. God forbid you say something that may offend someone because you don't know them well enough to know what they find disrespectful. I can picture a world where everyone walks down the streets with their heads down, not daring to take a glance at anyone else.

          This whole thing is people feeling helpless and, in turn, doing something to make others feel helpless. Think about it; if they post a picture or video of someone on the Internet, that can't be taken back. The subject of that content is helpless to get rid of it. They've been forever branded by it. Doesn't it seem kind of hypocritical? If I whistled at a woman and winked at her then found my picture on the Internet implying that I harass women, I would be fucking fuming. Is there oversight on the content that is uploaded? Does anyone check it to verify that there is actual harassment occurring? If so, what are the standards they judge the content by?

          It's just downright absurd. On the plus side, I learned that I can post pictures of people and tell stories about them on the Internet and it's constitutionally protected. Perhaps I'll start doing that. But I'll at least have the decency to do it because I don't like the people or what they do. I certainly won't do the very thing I accuse them of doing  like these lovely ladies do.

Like it or not,

-The Absurdist

Massachusetts town: "Put your money where your mouth is"

          A town south of Boston, Massachusetts is apparently suffering from a quality of life problem centered around people being too damn loud. The Hingham Board of Selectmen (what in the sweet red rose pedals is a Board of Selectman anyways?!) has proposed a new noise ordinance that would fine residents who are caught having conversations that exceed 55 decibels.

          Let's put that number into perspective. According to Industrial Noise Control Inc., 50 decibels is roughly that of a "quiet suburb, conversation at home." They further report that 60 decibels is "conversation in restaurant, office, background music, Air conditioning unit at 100 feet." So, if that new noise ordinance is passed, all conversation in the town must fall between those two thresholds or face a fine of $100 to $300.

          The reason for this proposal? The town received 300 noise complaints last year. However, the article I read did not give any indication of the nature of those 300 noise complaints. Maybe they were over loud music. Perhaps a neighbor was sawing some wood later in the evening that others may find acceptable. Maybe there were some fireworks for a celebration? How many of those 300 noise complaints really involved loud conversation?

         This whole thing is just absurd. Let's consider some other noises you may hear in an everyday town. The following comes from the American Academy of Audiology: Moderate noise levels include moderate rainfall at 50 decibels and normal conversation and dishwashers at 60 decibels. Traffic and vacuums clock in at 70 decibels and alarm clocks at 80. When you get to 90 decibels you find lawnmowers, power tools, blenders and hair dryers. Car horns are listed at 110 decibels, jackhammers and ambulances at 130 decibels and fireworks at 140 decibels.

          So, is the prestigious Hingham Board of Selectmen going to fine people for mowing their lawn, honking their horn, using jackhammers during construction, and setting off fireworks on the Fourth of July and other holidays? Are they going to stop allowing ambulances to use their sirens? Of course they're not! The issue isn't that the conversation is too loud, it's that people don't want to hear it.

          You want to talk to me about quality of life issues? Nobody checks with me before they start mowing their lawn at 7 a.m. on a Saturday or using power tools. They don't run it by me before they start shooting off fireworks on the Fourth of July. I may not appreciate it, but I certainly don't raise a stink over it just because it may be annoying because it's not really hurting anyone. If the ruckus is taking place during late hours and it's causing a disturbance, then point a time in place for this ordinance, but all the time? I'm sorry, but if I lived in Hingham I'd tell them to go fuck themselves... over a bullhorn... during dinner time. Then I'd blast the Macarena as loud as my stereo would go and dance in the street until my legs gave out.

Shouting for all to hear,

-The Absurdist

Ridiculous Study Reveals Shopping Carts to be Potential Death Traps

          Seeing as yesterday we had that fantastic post about the wackos in Australia who conducted a study on the impact texting has on walking, I figured I'd write about another insanely stupid study today. This one has to do with injuries related to shopping carts. Yeah, you read that right.

          I read this article on Huffington Post about a new Clinical Pediatrics study that found that over 24,000 children go to the emergency room each year due to shopping cart related injuries. That's about 66 children every day. Falls from the shopping cart are the most common injury sustained and account for 70% of the injuries, so it makes sense that the head was the most commonly injured body part.

          A study researcher and director of the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children's Hospital, Dr. Gary Smith, M.D., Dr.P.H. (whatever all of that means), concluded that "the current voluntary standards for shopping cart safety are not adequate." He continues to say that the overall number of child injuries associated with shopping carts hasn't decreased since the current safety standards were implemented and the number of concussions and other head injuries is increasing. Researchers suggest that shopping cart design should be changed in an effort to reduce the risk of child injury.

          Yeah, because the problem is the shopping carts, not the sad excuses for parents steering them. I've got a child and I've never had to go to the emergency room over a shopping cart injury because I know how to be a parent. I don't let her climb all over the thing like a monkey. I don't leave her standing on it or in it and turn my back for a second on her. The problem here isn't that shopping carts aren't safe enough, it's piss poor parents. What do you want, padded boxes with wheels?

          The doctors involved in this research spent time and resources figuring out how many children were injured from shopping carts because these children's' parents don't pay enough attention to them. There are clear warnings on those goddamn shopping carts that say how to properly seat your child in them. Isn't it bad enough that those warnings had to be made? You can't follow them and your child gets hurt, so suddenly shopping carts aren't safe. What's next?

          This is utterly absurd for three reasons:

              1) The study was done in the first place and research was conducted in connection with it.
              2) So many children are headed to the emergency room over this shit.
              3) Researchers are proposing changes in shopping cart design to make them safer.

          For the love of Jesus or the aliens floating in deep space, watch your goddamn kids so people with nothing better to do don't have to conduct ridiculous research as part of an insanely stupid study that I end up having to see on the news. Seriously... It's not cool.

Huggin, not thuggin,

-The Absurdist

Texting & Walking = Trouble, Says Ridiculous Australian University "Study"

Sometimes you read the news and you come across something that is just so absurd and so unnecessary that it makes you lose a little bit more hope for humanity. Last week I read an article that did just that on CNN. The article, by Brandon Griggs, is all about a recent study by Australia's University of Queensland that proves the negative impact texting has on your ability to walk. Seriously... they studied it.

 

In the article, Griggs writes, "Yes, this behavior can be annoying. Now we have scientific evidence it can be dangerous." Hooooly shit. I didn't know that we needed scientific evidence to know that walking and staring at a small screen in your hand could be hazardous to our health. Thank god for scientists. Apparently, this study shows that people who are staring at their phones while they're walking are less likely to look at what's around them. Again, thanks for the update; I was unaware.

 

Siobhan M. Schabrun, an honorary senior fellow (whatever the hell that is) at the University and lead author of the study, says that texting and reading on your phone affects your ability to walk and balance, which may impact the safety of others who are doing the same thing. So, this senior fellow (honorary, mind you) has finally cracked the code! Two people not paying attention to where they're walking may actually collide with one another and cause serious and catastrophic damage that could change the very fabric of the universe. Settle down there with your studies, Schabrun.

 

The CNN article cites specific examples of the 'pitfalls' of texting and walking. For example, in 2011 a woman was texting on her phone and fell into a fountain at a mall. Last year, a man was hit by a car while he was texting and walking in the middle of a highway. Oh yeah, he was drunk as well. Congratulations, Mr. Griggs. You've successfully pointed out two stupid people among billions. I'm not sure that's news worthy or research worthy. If you'd like to read more about this 'study' or just get a quick summary of the absurd 'tests' they conducted, go ahead and read the article.

 

Dumb people do dumb things. I for one have been texting, reading and walking for years without incident. Do you know why? Because I'm not a complete moron. I use this thing called peripheral vision and I also glance up every now and again to see if I'm in any sort of danger. That's what smart people do. The people who walk into fountains and get hit by cars are clearly at the bottom of the gene pool, so do we really care? I certainly don't. There will always be stupid people. Their misfortunes have nothing to do with anything but their own stupidity. Take the number of people who text and walk and don't get hurt and compare it to the number of people who do. I guarantee that upon review you'll find that the attention and research given to the negative impacts of texting and walking was just downright absurd.

 

Marking my spot,

 

-The Absurdist

 

PS- Bonus points to whoever read this on their phone and didn't injure themselves.

Fuck It Friday: America Cares More About Pop Stars Than Political Prisoners

          Today is the first of a weekly event where I get to go berserker on you about whatever the hell I want. Sometimes I'll tell you how stupid I think you are (don't worry, I'll list the reasons why). Sometimes I'll just tell you about shit that creeps me out or bugs me (like soup, cereal and bacon). I call it 'Fuck It Friday.' Without further ado, let the games begin!


          Alright America, I've got a major bone to pick with you. Your priorities are so jacked and you're so ignorant that it may well just make me vomit all over my keyboard. Seeing as you're all just victims of ignorance, I suppose you can't take all of the blame, but shame on you nonetheless. Much of the blame belongs to the media for over reporting topics they know will get them views over topics that are actually important, but the decision of what to care about is ultimately yours to make. Unfortunately, most of the time the wrong decision is made. Yesterday I came across one of those situations that reminds me of how much I hate the priorities and morals in this country.
          The Internet exploded yesterday with news that the one and only Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach. He was charged with DWI, resisting arrest, and driving without a valid license. Had he not been drag racing through the streets like a jackass, he may not have been caught. The little punk admitted to drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana and taking prescription pills. Lovely cocktail before a late night street race, don't you think? Now, this is the first time Bieber has been arrested, but he's far from being a law abiding citizen. Accusations of speeding and being a nuisance in his Calabasas neighborhood, loud parties, allegedly spitting in a neighbor's face, allegedly battering a photographer and, most recently egging a neighbor's home, all indicate that Bieber feels that he's above the law. Unfortunately, the courts have reinforced that by never getting anything to stick. This time though, they can.
          The thing that infuriated me happened while I was cruising around Twitter last night. I checked to see what was trending and found two topics that further degraded my faith in humanity: #FreeBieber (who was only even in jail for an hour) and #WeWillAlwaysSupportYouJustin. Those were two of the topics trending on Twitter this evening. Now let me tell you why this infuriates me to no end.
          This Monday (just four days ago) Kenneth Bae, the American missionary, held a special press conference from North Korea, where he has been detained for over a year. He claimed that the press conference was by his request. During the conference, Bae asked the U.S. government to do what it could to secure his release. Bae claimed that he has not been treated badly during his confinement, but did want to clear something up: He wanted to apologize and admit to committing anti-government acts (which is what he was arrested for). This confession comes after Vice President Biden said last month that Bae is being held in North Korea for no reason, a point which was strongly denied by North Korea. During the conference Bae indicated that remarks such as the Vice President's have made his situation 'more complicated.' His health has been an issue since being sentenced to fifteen years of hard labor for crimes against the state. It is also important to note that other prisoners who were released and had made similar confessions admitted to being under duress at the time of confessing.
          I won't bore you with anymore details on Bae or his situation because surely you don't give two shits (but if you do I implore you to go Google his name), but my point is this: Kenneth Bae is an American citizen who has been detained in North Korea for over a year and potentially faces another fourteen years for crimes against the state; crimes that have not been detailed or substantiated. Washington wants him released. His family wants him released. Plenty of upstanding, caring and intelligent people want him released. You, on the other hand, tweet about Justin fucking Bieber; a punk with too much money and not enough ambition. A little brat who acts like an asshole and gets what he deserves for it. A wannabe badass who spent one hour in jail before paying a couple thousand dollars and being released back to his fancy car and his comfy life. He is what you're concerned about, America and that is why I find you morally bankrupt and despicable.


Regretfully yours,


-The Absurdist

Wealth Equality Push = Push for Socialism

          If you're wondering why the topic of "wealth inequality" has exploded recently, it's because The World Economic Forum is underway. I put that term in quotations for the simple reason that I think it's bullshit and it's getting way too much attention.

          As I was in the car yesterday driving home from work I heard some fella talking about a new report issued by Oxfam, an international nonprofit organization that works to "find practical, innovative ways for people to lift themselves out of poverty and thrive." This new report they've released found that the 85 richest people across the globe control as much wealth between them as the poorest half of the world's population (3.5 billion people) put together. Another way that they describe the situation is that the wealth of that 1% richest people is equivalent to 65 times the wealth of the poorest half of the world. Oxfam warns in this report that the fight against poverty cannot be won without the issue of "wealth inequality" being tackled.

          They further argue that this huge gap is not an accident, but it has been created by the wealthy through political influence and power maneuvers that rig the economic system's rules to favor them. To be fair, they're right about that. The wealthy do in fact use their money and political influence to tilt the field in their direction a little bit when it comes to economic policies. They've got money and politicians have campaigns to finance. If that's a surprise to anyone, then I'd like to know where the rock they just climbed out of is located. Is there treasure buried there?

          As far as this political rigging by the wealth is concerned, whose fault is it really? The wealthy were not elected by the people of this country to do what's right. They worked hard and built empires that they now sit upon. All that they're trying to do is make their legacy (and net worth) bigger. It's the politicians who need to be blamed and held accountable. They're the ones who are supposed to be looking out for our best interests, not theirs or their wealthy friends'. From a moral standpoint, the politicians are once again more guilty.

          Now that I've got that off my chest, let's talk about this bullshit movement to end "wealth inequality." My problem with that movement is that it is cry baby bullshit by altruists who would rather see a socialistic world where everyone is equal and happy. They're just flat out idiots. Ayn Rand is probably beating on the lid of her casket right now trying to get up here and set these people straight. People work for their money and their position. We have no right to take it or implore them to even the field. They didn't steal their fortunes, so we have no claim to them. Only in a socialistic society is equality from an economic stance possible and in that society progress is not made. Read Atlas Shrugged if you want a lesson on this.

          Is the gap in wealth between those 85 and the other 3.5 billion unfair? No, it most certainly isn't. It would be unfair if they attained their wealth through force. "Unfortunate" is the term people should be using to describe the gap is. That's all this is. Nobody is stealing from the poor. Nobody is blocking you from attaining wealth. It's out there, you just have to earn it. I'm certainly not rolling is cash over here, but I don't bitch that it's unfair that other people are. Do you know why? Because that would be lazy, irresponsible and selfish of me. You'll hear no boo-hoos and wah-wahs from this guy.

Your capitalist pal,

-The Absurdist

** Information used for this post came from an article from The Guardian by Graeme Wearden: 'Oxfam: 85 richest people as wealthy as poorest half of the world.' **

Indiana Seeks to Allow Hiring Bans on Smokers

                As of right now, if you live in the state of Indiana and you’re looking for a job, potential employers cannot tell you to stop smoking cigarettes in order to be fired. You know, because this is America and we believe in freedom to choose and act (at least, sometimes we do). Well, in Indiana that may be changing.

                The Indiana Chamber of Commerce it pushing for lawmakers to pass Indiana House Bill 1029. That bill would effectively eliminate the “smokers’ bill of rights” law that was approved in the early 1990s. If the bill gets passed, prospective employers would legally be allowed to require job-seekers to stop using tobacco products at all times as a condition of their employment. Now, the key there (in case you missed the bold italicized words) is that the smoking ban does not just apply to an employee’s time on the clock or on company property, but also during their private off the clock hours.

                You may think that the passing of Indiana House Bill 1029 is not a big deal because smoking is bad for your health anyways, but I assure you that it’s a very big deal. This bill would take away an employee’s right to use a legal product during their own personal time and even in their own home. If a bill like that gets passed, what’s to stop them from passing a similar bill regarding alcohol? No longer could you have that celebratory glass of champagne or that refreshing beer with your burger. Maybe they’ll decide that television isn’t good for your brain and that it dumbs down the workforce, so they won’t let you watch television as a condition of employment. It may seem silly and far fetched, but it isn’t really. This is how it starts. They take away one right today and tomorrow another and the next day another, until we have no rights left to take.

                Now, employers are surely going to try to put a spin on this whole situation and say that they just want their employees to be healthy. Well isn’t that just dandy? They don’t care if you’re healthy for any moral or compassionate reason. The only reason employers want you healthy is to keep health care costs down. The cheaper you are to cover, the less money they spend. For those of you who can’t add, that means you’re cheaper to employee if you don’t smoke. Opponents of the bill understand a company wanting to prevent employees from smoking at work, but believe that the decision of what they do on their own time should be up to them. And to that I say cheers!

                One good thing that has come of this is that I learned of the National Workrights Institute. They’re a nonprofit offshoot of the ACLU and they oppose these types of hiring bans because they infringe on individual rights. That’s pretty legit. Any organization that stands up for individual rights is aces in my book. Now let's see what can be done about this bullshit bill...

 

Forever Yours,

-le Absurdist

 

** Information used in this post came from the USA Today article by Barb Berggoetz; Bill would repeal 'smokers' bill of rights'**

 

 

 

FBI Director Admittedly Confused

                You would think that the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations would be an intelligent person. You would think, but you would be wrong. FBI Director James Comey is actually a complete moron, dunce cap included. His action figure would probably even come with a dunce cap glued to the top of its little head so it can’t be removed by mistake. Here are a few recent examples why:

                Mr. Comey claims to be confused when people refer to former NSA contractor Edward Snowden as a whistleblower and a hero. Confused? Really? How is it hard to understand that a) people consider the man revealing mass privacy breaches and law-breaking by the federal government to be a hero, and b) that he is, in fact a whistleblower? A whistleblower awareness poster by the Office of Special Counsel indicates that a whistleblower “discloses information that he or she reasonably believes evidences: a violation of any law, rule or regulation, gross mismanagement, and an abuse of authority.” Didn’t the evidence that Snowded provided prove instances of those offenses? I believe it did. If any of this confuses the Director of the FBI, we have a serious problem.

                Mr. Comey was quoted saying, “I have trouble applying the whistleblower label to someone who just disagrees with the way our country is constructed and operates.” Okay, jackass. That’s not why he’s labeled a whistleblower. If that were the reason why, millions of people would have that label. Snowden is a whistleblower because he fits the criteria provided by another federal agency. The federal government isn’t on the same page; big surprise there. I believe that Mr. Comey is just trying to make light of the situation and take away some of Snowden’s credibility with bullshit comments like that. Nice try, but we’re not buying it.

                The most absurd part of this whole story has to be what Mr. Comey had to say about this government program that conducts electronic surveillance on both U.S. and international citizens. Mr. Comey (did I mention he’s the DIRECTOR OF THE FBI?) believes that this program is an example of our government operating in the way that its framers intended. I’ll give you a moment to take in the sheer stupidity and absurdity of that belief. Go ahead and read it again.

                Now, if I’m wrong and somewhere in the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution of the United States (the documents our founding fathers created at the inception of these United States) it says that illegally obtaining communications and information on both citizens and non-citizens is acceptable, then slap my ass and call me Betty. Wasn’t the purpose of creating the United States to escape from the tyrannical ways of the British and establish our rights as people? Didn’t the founding fathers specifically structure the government in such a way as to provide a system of checks and balances so that one branch could not become too powerful?

I’m sure that none of the founding fathers would condone the actions of the NSA and our government as it behaves today. They believed in granting freedoms and creating a government that feared the people, not the other way around. It would appear that Mr. Comey needs a history lesson and that, in case you didn’t pick up on it, something is seriously wrong with the people we have running this country.

Your Pal,

-The Absurdist

** Information used in this post came from a USA Today article by Gregory Korte: FBI director confused by talk of Snowden as whistle-blower **

Tennessee Man Arrested Picking Up His Kids at School

           Back in November Ed Howe, a 40 year old father of two went to pick up his children from their elementary school in Cumberland County, Tennessee and ended up in handcuffs. Can you imagine going to pick up your 8 and 14 year old kids from school and being arrested? Here’s what happened:

               A week prior to the incident the school put in place new after school pick-up procedures. Instead of parents being able to park in the lot and come to the building for their children they now have to sit in their cars along the side of the highway outside of the school and wait in line for their children to come to them. The change came from a suggestion by the school’s Parent Teacher Organization and school officials state that parents were notified of the changes multiple times.

                Howe went to school one day to pick up his children (which is his right as their parent) and when he got out of his car the School Resource Officer, Avery Aytes, told him to get back in his vehicle. A few days later, Howe arrived at the school on foot to pick up his children. When he went into the building and Aytes told him to go back to his vehicle and wait, Howe informed him that his children were walking home with him, to which the officer apparently replied, “No they’re not.” An argument ensued and Howe ended up being handcuffed right there at the school and charged with disorderly conduct.

                Donald Andrews, the Superintendent of the Cumberland County School District, stands by the policy change and the actions of Officer Aytes, as does County Sheriff Butch Burgess. As for Howe, he is now following the new policy, stating that parents have no choice to follow it unless they want to get arrested. In a statement to reporters, Howe had this to say about the incident: “It’s a violation of our parental rights. It’s a violation of our rights as people. I don’t have any regrets… We have to stand up against bad policy and stand up for our rights. If we don’t, we won’t have any.”

                Alright, now listen. I won’t argue that if a parent is becoming unruly and creating a commotion at the school they should be removed from the premises. If that means in handcuffs, then so be it. That’s a simple matter of the children’s safety and I have no problem with that. The issue is the school telling parents how they’re allowed to pick up their children. Maybe I’m running late or my children have sports or something to get to and we don’t have time to wait in line. What then? Tough shit because the policy is the policy? What if I didn’t vote on or agree to that policy? Other parents did, so I have to do with my children what they say? No, that’s not going to work for me.

Howe is 100% accurate in saying that this violates our parental rights. Unless my children are in immediate danger nobody is going to tell me what to do with them. What is the world coming to when shit like this happens when a parent tries to pick up his children from school? It’s a snowballing issue set in motion by events nowhere near this parent or that school. It all comes down to children’s safety in school and the school feeling the need to be crazy protective of the children in their care. I get that, but it’s our fault as a society that this is happening. It’s the fault of all of the people abducting children and shooting up schools.

I don’t fault Howe, Aytes, the school or the Parent Teacher Organization for this incident. I fault us as a society for making it happen. You can argue all you want that we didn’t force Howe to cause a disruption, but that’s seeing the incident through tunnel vision. The bigger picture is that the school and the Parent Teacher Organization felt the need to instill this policy in the first place. If you can't see the sad turn things are taking, then clearly you're blind and I'm surprised you can even read this.

Yours truly,

-The Absurdist

***Information used in this post was found in an article titled Tennessee man gets arrested while trying to pick up kids at school at www.nydailynews.com by Joel Landau on November 20, 2013.***

Welcome, Unsuspecting Victims!

Dearest Peruser of the Internet,

Welcome to your future! Buckle up and let me educate you. If you look up the term absurd you will likely find differing definitions depending on the source you used. Some definitions are much more dramatic than others, but for our purposes you only need to know one: Dictionary.com defines absurd (the adjective) as "utterly or obviously senseless, illogical, or untrue; contrary to all reason or common sense; laughably foolish or false." When used as a noun, the word describes "the quality or condition of existing in a meaningless and irrational world." In those definitions you should be able to discern what to expect from a blog called Absurdist Rants. If you can't, you should give up now because your intelligence level will not allow you to enjoy or appreciate the content featured here.

Similarly, if you are the type of person who wishes to coast through life believing that the glass is always half full, then this is not for you. There's absolutely nothing here that you could understand. The truth is, the glass is always half full and and half empty. The sooner you recognize and accept that, the better off you'll be in life. Everything has two sides to it: night and day, dark and light, good and evil, yin and yang. It is this dichotomy that makes life the way it is. There's no other possible way. Imagine for a moment a world where everyone is always good and it's always daytime. Or imagine the opposite, where it's always night and everyone is evil. Neither one sounds very pleasant, if you ask me.

Everyone should know that the glass is both half full and half empty, whether they know it consciously or subconsciously. The problem is, too many people would rather ignore the half empty part. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. Some people just don't care about the flip-side and others choose to pretend that it isn't there. Whatever the reason, those people don't care enough to become fully realized and rational human beings. They don't have a desire to understand life because it is easier to coast through it while remaining ignorant to the absurdity all around them.

Well, I've got news for you, dear reader: I'm not ignoring anything. This blog is all about realizing and acknowledging the absurdity of society, our way of living and even ourselves. Problems will be faced head on with no sugarcoating whatsoever. It's a dirty world out there and I'm not going to try to make it shine. If you're afraid to look at your world and identify its problems, then again I implore you to move past this blog and forget you ever saw it. If you're staying, then I applaud and respect you for not being a coward and turning a blind eye to the world around you. Don't worry, I'll try to keep things at least a little light and fun. After all, you can't look at our world without some sense of humor. We're going to talk about politics, religion, racism, ethics and much, much more, but also some general observations I have about things like why soup is annoying or how to defeat a bear in the wild (or a zoo if you fell into the exhibit like an asshole). Many of the blog topics will come from things I've read in the news because that is the window to the world around us, however hazy and distorted it may be. I say we because I sincerely hope that you will have the balls to chime in and join the conversation. It'll be fun, I promise!

At the end of the day, all I want is to leave you thinking about life and the world that we have created for ourselves. How did things get like this and what can we do to fix it? Do we even want to fix it? How much of the blame is ours? If you're not asking questions, then you might as well be dead. As they say, the mind is a terrible thing to waste. 

Your Pal,

-The Absurdist